I submit to you the following: my train of thought earlier this evening, after Week 9’s webinar. Because I’m embracing the CHALLENGE OF perfectionism ONE STEP AT A TIME, I submit this ThoughtTrain to you in it’s raw form. If it makes sense great, if it doesn’t, just go with it!
I forgive and love everyone who is not on my level right now. I’ve been so
frustrated the past couple weeks, feeling as though I’ve been
increasing my patience just to find out that I’m harboring
frustration towards the people I perceived as getting in my way or
tripping me up. But this is a fallacy!!
I realize that I’m blessed to be on a different level, a different
plane of existence, and there are people who will get on that level
and people who won’t, and I will love all manners of men. I don’t
care what level they’re on.
I know my passion is well intentioned. I want what’s best for them
and I see their potential, but I also see what’s holding them back and
I want to scream at them with tears of joy, “Just jump!!! Don’t
worry!! You are safe in the arms of the Master Architect.”
Alas, screaming at people doesn’t really help the situation. In fact,
neither does talking. I know in my heart the best way to be a
positive influence it to be the model, for the kind of person you’d
like to see more of in the world. Be the change!!
That makes me think of another reason why I’ve been having such a hard
time being candid in this blog…I know there are many people who may
not like what I have to say, or how I say it. I have been avoiding
the situation so I didn’t have to deal with it.
I know that my dharma for this lifetime has something to do with being
a spiritual teacher. And intuitively I know that means I have to step
up. But I also know that often means I lose some relationships. And
I know I have to detach from those. Because there is a reason for
every season and I’m not doing any favors by holding myself back to
keep relationships. Relationships should elevate you.
Fear of loss of relationships.
I also anticipate being questioned about my beliefs and the thought of
trying to explain how and why I feel the way I do and what experiences
have contributed to each is just overwhelming.
Fears around being a spiritual teacher…what if I lead someone in the
wrong direction? What if they don’t take me seriously, or they don’t make
progress. What if I can’t help them?
All the same things I struggled with when I was in grad school,
boundary issues and such. How to be of service without letting it
affect you negatively.
I need to incorporate boundaries into my DMP, and plan how I intend to
affect people, so that my hands are always clean.
The fear of leading people in the wrong direction. What can I do
about that? I can focus on my own growth, learning how to make my Self
as steady as possible, learning how to shed my ego, and stay in
constant contact with my authentic self.
See how I did that? I eradicated that fear. By taking control and
saying, “What can I do about that?”
Meaning, I Learned many years ago that nobody can help another person
be a better person. I spent countless hours over a number of years
trying with all my might to “fix” people whom I cared about when I
knew they were struggling. I could clearly see the underlying
issue(s), but they couldn’t. And when I told them, they did one or
more of several things: deflected or pretended not to hear. They’d
find other reasons for the occurrence of their situation. Well I
should say MOST people. Every now and again you come across the gems.
The people who sit back from afar and watch you work your magic. They
allow you into their space to find out about them, and they take your
words to heart.
My friends make fun of me because they say I could talk to a brick
wall and make friends with anyone, because I always make new best
friends when we go out and find out all there is to know about every
can driver, but the truth is…I love disarming people!! I love what
I see when the walls come down. When I get to look into theirs souls,
and what I see is more beautiful than anyone could ever realize if
they were only looking at the outside, it lights a fire in me. When I
find out the grumpy cab driver who wouldn’t let us give him advice
about how to find our destination…when I find out he loves to hike
and he loves the outdoors because it’s so relaxing…and he pulls a
u-turn on a 2 way street so we don’t have to walk far to the door,
when people are allowed to be their authentic selves without fear of
judgment, they are beautiful.
Anyway, it turns out that I’ve actually been doing quite a few
readings for strangers. And because of the boundaries being unclear,
some try to be friends when I expected a clean break, or vice versa.
It gets muddy.
I should put that in an essay to get back into Grad School ;).
So, thank you for sticking with me while I processed that. My gut
reaction was fear of this that and the other, and now I have a plan of
action of sorts. Be the best version of myself, speak to others with
love, create an environment that feels safe, and watch the flowers
That I can do. I’m a SOUL GARDeNer!! And I’ve got a green thumb so
you better watch out! 🙂
I don’t want to sound like I’m Complaining or fussing cuz I’m not…I’m clawing for
the solution. You any fight something you can’t see. I’m just trying
to help you see what I see.
I’ve been nervous to talk about my spirituality and the only PPN I’m
certain of is Spiritual growth!!! The irony! (Or is it the perfection
of the universal mind showing me something about myself?). Who knows?
Thank you for sticking with my while I processed that.
Lesson 1: eradicate fear
Lesson 2: love others non-judgmentally
Lesson 3: spiritual growth is about my adventure. No one else’s,
therefore it is entirely relevant and important for me to document it
as I see fit. No one else will see it the same way my eyes do, but
some people may be trying to see their own adventures more clearly.
And maybe they can connect to mine. Maybe it can help them to see.
I see the best in people. It’s my gift. I can see into their souls,
and into their hearts, and most people when given the chance, are
delightful. Many who struggle are not ready to hear the truth, and
even if they are, they don’t create an earnest desire to change.
Comfortable being uncomfortable. These are the “lost souls” in my
opinion. The ones living lives of quiet desperation while their is a
universal playground at their disposal to be used only in love and
harmony. The rules in the playground are just. Hard work is rewarded
and the more you give the more you get.
“I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are….
“Life’s a game made for everyone, and LOVE is the prize.”